


now i don't know how to quit, always feel inadequate

by CRYBABYSITT3R



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (especially minors!!), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Bisexual Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Chat is worried, Clay | Dream Loves GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream is So Whipped (Video Blogging RPF), Coming Out, Dreams and Nightmares, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Feral boys, Flustered GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Friends to Lovers, Gay GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound Loves Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Heavy Angst, Hospitals, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jackbox Games - Freeform, Karlnapity, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Nightmares, Oblivious Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Protective Alexis | Quackity, Protective Karl Jacobs, Protective Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sad GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Sad with a Happy Ending, Sapnap and Karl know everything abt George :')), Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Soft Karl Jacobs, Soft Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Therapy, adding tags when i think of them..., and part of sbi, brief tommy and tubbo, chat is supportive, dream is oblivious and sapnap is worried, george has a breakdown during a jackbox stream, george has nightmares, george is questioning, no beta we die like george in manhunt, respect cc's boundaries!!, sex havers groupchat pops off, slight smut later on, this is a vent fic, this looks like a mess on mobile im so sorry, yes im okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:54:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CRYBABYSITT3R/pseuds/CRYBABYSITT3R
Summary: George has been alive for 24 years. 24 years too long according to him. He has too many problems to count. Dream is one of them.  It all goes downhill when Karl opens his big mouth during a game of quiplash.~or when George has terrible mental health, is in love with Dream, and has a panic attack during a jackbox stream.(PLEASE PLEASE READ TAGS!!!) ( goes pretty deep into bad mental health, please do not read if any of the topics in the tags are triggering for you. this IS a vent fic.) (kinda short chapters)This looks like a total cluttered mess on mobile I'm genuinely so sorry :( much easier to read on web!Kudos and comments are genuinely really appreciated! tysm guys <3yes the title is lyrics from the song Void by The Neighbourhood :]
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit, Zak Ahmed & Darryl Noveschosch
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	1. todays worry

8:09 AM 

George awakens with a gasp.  
He can't remember what happened moments before he woke up startled but he knows it was nothing good. he can't be bothered to want to remember either, probably for the best.  
He checks his phone, which was haphazardly tossed onto his bedside table. 8:09. He can't seem to remember whether Dream would be awake or not, thinking if he'd take a chance of disrupting his so-called beauty sleep. He decides to instead get up and take a shower since it's been.... too long... While not feeling well enough he knew he had to stay somewhat hygienic. He grabbed clothes for the day, which consisted of an oversized Dream hoodie and gray sweats. He padded into his hallway feeling slightly disoriented. He didn't know whether it was from his disrupted sleep, or something else he knew was actually affecting him. He walked into his bathroom, quickly turning away from the mirror and turning on the lights. The harsh fluorescent lights made him squeeze his eyes closed for longer than needed. He had seen the bright lights for a mere 4 seconds and yet already felt a crippling migraine incoming. He knew he would regret going into his bathroom. He had his hands on the open door, eyes shut, and took a deep breathe before quickly opening them. He closed the oak wood door. Maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to shower in the dark? He quickly shut down that idea when flashes of his dream came back in quick sessions of darkness. There's no way he can stand being in the dark for that long, even to be clean and behind a door. His migraine was already pounding behind his eyes making his left eyelid twitch slightly. He knew he had headache meds in his mirror cabinet but knew that means he has to face the mirror. he just knew he couldn't do that even to make his eye stop twitching. he's been in pain for weeks. What's another headache?  
~ 

4:38 PM  
George has just finished texting Karl about his day.  
Karl knew about his worsening mental health after George slipped up about the scar on his leg during a late-night call. Ever since then Karl made sure he knew when George wasn't his best. Maybe it was a bit overwhelming for George to randomly have someone be so protective and caring. As much as he disliked being overanalyzed, he genuinely appreciated Karl with every bone in his body. He wondered if he'd be the worst off when George finally melted away. He knew that Sapnap and Quackity knew as well, seeing as Karl can never keep his mouth shut to his boyfriends. Sapnap was quick to check on George when he knew he needed to but never pressed as Karl did sometimes. George knew Quackity was worried about George and was understandably distraught when Karl had told him some of the things George was currently going through. But George also knew it kinda hit home when it came to Alex. He knew quackity cared but he never reached out to George unless it was for streams or anything but personal affairs. He was more than fine with that. He knew if truly needed, Karl would fill them in with every detail.  
Today's worry for Karl had been wondering if George had eaten today. George had the Same answer as yesterday. " I tried."


	2. VC 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George has a talk with Quackity, Karl, and sapnap. Quackity has some questions and George... well...He might have some answers but he doesn't quite understand them.

11:27 PM 

George had been on a call with Karl, Sapnap, and Quackity for the past hour and a half. They never fail to make him laugh and get his mind off of things, unless they were only there to talk about him and his problems. He'd realized Karl and the others had been doing this more often.  
"Hey, Karl?"  
"Huh? Yeah?"  
"Why am I here?"  
"... what do you mean George?... Because you're important? We can't be the feral boys without you y'know?"  
"No Karl- I didn't mean it in the sad "why am I on this planet I don't wanna be here" kinda way. I meant, why am I on this call right now? Don't get me wrong, it's been great but... is that it? are we really just... hanging out and talking? Don't think I haven't realized how often we do this now." He said the last few words with more venom than he ever meant, he wasn't even mad. Just confused. Why was he getting pissy on the only people who have asked if he's alright?  
Quackity jumped into the conversation.  
" George. Y'know we've been friends for years, okay? we know your tone of voice. you literally can't hide things from us. we know your quirks, we know you, George. You can't hide things from us even if you're on the other side of the planet. What's been going on? And Don't give us the same bullshit as always, Karl tells us the same thing almost every day."  
George was shocked. He'd expected a " we're just worried, you know we love you right? let's just go back on the server..." from Karl but instead got a mouthful from Alex. He was honestly speechless.  
" i- what?"  
" George. We know you at least as well as you know yourself. we know when something is off, I mean yeah the obvious but... you keep blanking out on us... something else is going on. you're not acting right." Quackity WAS right, he just hadn't expected any of them to notice, or at least speak up about it.  
" I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to keep spacing out on you guys. You- You're not wrong but I don't know if I understand what's going on right now enough to put it into words."  
Sapnap had interjected  
" George that's ok! I just want you to tell us when something IS wrong so we don't panic. It's okay if you don't know how to word it, maybe we can help? four heads ARE better than one?"  
" are- are you sure? i- I don't really want you all to worry more than you already are? I'm sorry. Uhm can I talk to Quackity for a second? you all can deafen and I'll dm the chat to tell you when to come back? I know it doesn't really matter but I just want to talk to Q for a second. I already know he'll tell you guys after anyway." George was anxious, already trying to put his more than jumbled and tangled thoughts into words so maybe he could understand them better.  
" yeah of course! sap, wanna just go to VC 4?" Karl then left the VC and Sapnap right after. 

As soon as they both left, George had a mouthful and Quackity was beyond alright with listening to it.  
" Di- Did you ever not understand what your head was telling you? like- like everything you've ever known does nothing to help you figure it out? like I KNOW what is going on but I can't UNDERSTAND it, y'know? i-i'm just tired of feeling like I don't understand anything in my own head when clearly I do because I put it there..." George rambled like he thought someone would interrupt and he'd have to start again. He knew these words were just a peek into what was going on in his head. he'd hoped Quackity understood.  
"i- yeah. yeah, it used to feel like that a lot. It really never lasted long. I finally figured out what it was telling me. And now I'm here. It DOES get better George. I know it's all a mess but if you want one thing to stop you have to try and fix it. you can't keep letting it take over. that's the reason you can't get you're head on straight." Quackity spoke in a tone of understanding but slightly strict and unrelenting. He knew all too well, what was going on in his head. he'd been in his spot before.  
" I guess you're right haha, yeah maybe I should sort this out first." George thought maybe if he laughed he would stop feeling like his head would explode from overthinking every single thought he had today. 

" can you tell me what some of them are? I might be able to help. if you don't understand, or just don't want to tell me it's fine George." Quackitys tone was softer now, more understanding. he knew what it felt like.  
" maybe? i- I don't know if they make much sense but I can try? Uhm- some I can understand. the ones I hear and think about every day. the ones that repeat. The- the ones that t-tell me I need to stop eating over a thousand calories, the ones that force me to not look in my mirrors anymore, the ones that tell me I need to stop giving my problems to all of you guys. the-the uhm- the ones that-..." George started out strong, but he slowly got quieter and his voice cracked near the end  
" oh- oh George. i- I'm so so sorry George. You really shouldn't be the one to go through this, no- no one should, especially you George. you've never deserved to go through any of this. it's okay." Quackity almost felt like he could cry. He knew EXACTLY what George was going through. he never wanted one of his close friends to ever go through something like that. Nobody should. But it's not a choice. he wishes it were. George kept going.  
" no no no, the other ones are different I don't understand them. they-they are just demanding and they don't stop. They all keep talking about Dream i-i need them to stop they won't let me stop thinking about him and- and I guess it's not a bad thing but I feel creepy? i- I feel like I don't know I'm just confused? why- why Clay?" George sounded desperate for an answer and sounded beyond confused. Meanwhile, everything in quackity's brain had clicked. it made so much sense.  
" George? Uhm- i- I know what you mean. All of it. I'll explain in a second but can we get my boys back in here? it's been a while, they're probably a bit worried haha" Quackity sounded exasperated like he knew something George didn't which- which wasn't wrong.

He did truly know more than George did at that moment.  
" uh yeah, I just sent a message in chat, they should be here in a sec-" George was cut off by Sapnap almost screaming "GEORGIE" into his mic and everyone's headphones. George flinched.  
" hey sap" George didn't know how to feel, he wanted answers but he knew he'd get them soon.  
" hey so I figured out some stuff that will help George but I wanted you both to help him understand a bit more once I tell him this first bit, alright?" George was still confused on why he needed all three of them to help him understand his own thoughts. But he didn't question Q's attempt. The others didn't answer but he already knew they were all in for helping George.  
" ok... George, can you tell them some of the new thoughts you've been having? the ones that won't go away? and you don't know why there they are there in the first place?"  
" all-all I really know is that they won't leave me alone about Cla- erm Dream. like every waking moment is just Dream Dream Dream and i-i I don't get it. I feel obsessed and- and creepy and it feels horrible feeling like a stalker just wanting to know what he's doing and feeling and if he's thinking about me and I just want to stop. It's not even the part that it's all about Clay- just that they won't stop BOTHERING ME and.. and yeah... " George trailed off, at that moment feeling nervous he said too much or too little for them to understand.  
" yeah thank you, George, I think it helped that you got it out. I think we can help you? I can't promise you'll like our answer but- it's all we got" Quackity spoke with less confidence than before, but George heard two sounds of agreement and understanding. 

" George... have you ever thought about a guy... Uhm romantically before?" Karl was careful with his words so George didn't get scared or embarrassed and leave the VC... 

George was quiet. 

George was too quiet. 

" George..? are-are you okay?" Sapnap was immediately worried for the older.

" i- Uhm. wh-what are you talking about?" George was shocked. 

He understood the question but didn't understand his answer... Yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll get Dream in the next chap I promise. Here's worried Sapnap and now mental health experienced Big Q ( yes this means in this AU Big Q went through a bunch of the same stuff) ( I wanted someone to be able to help George and not be confused.) :( poor Georgie.


	3. facing the reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we get all the feral boys & Bad on call, They decide to do a jackbox stream! Kinda just a filler chap before the big one but definitely important... You get to see more into Georges struggles/ life :]  
> (Skipped a few days since the last chapter :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (definitely a bit late and not spell checked, I wrote it and posted it. If something doesn't make sense and you have questions, PLEASE comment! i will answer the best I can without spoiling anything) I hope this is better! i definitely just wrote and didn't go back and read so there's probably some places that don't make sense or arent clear. I'll try and fix them when I'm actually awake haha. Anyway, here's very very brief Dream content :) OH!! And try and find the subtle wording when talking about his reflection/ himself. I'd like to see what you all find :)

12:25 AM

George had been sitting at his kitchen island for the past 43 minutes. He had been thinking and debating about many different things. He still couldn't undertsand half of the things his brain was telling him, but at least he had an idea. even if it wasn't anything near what he thought was gonna be a conclusion. He WAS grateful either way, even if the newly found resolution did give him MORE to think about. A t least those thoughts made some form of sense. 

Karl had already done his check-in for the day. Had George lied again? Pfft yeah, of course. What could he tell his best friend? That everyday he woke up he was upset he hadn't sunk into his matress and never woke up? yeah. He cant do that to Karl. He'd find a one way ticket to the UK just to make sure he didn't do anything rash. Today Karl had been asking about medications... All his meds he needed were in the bathroom cabinet. He'd yet made that decision to face himself in the mirror to open up the cabinet and grab the meds. But... he'd already gone through withdrawals? what was the point in starting them again? They didn't help. They made everything stronger and everything less desirable. But maybe things would make sense again? He didn't know. But maybe he'd actually listen to Karl? 

George had been shaken from his thoughts at the sound of his phone buzzing from an alarm. ohhhhh yeah, his medication alarm. Karl had made George turn on his alrams and show proof. It had slipped his mind to turn them back off after proving to Karl he still had them set. ( he didn't, and he barely remembered the times as Karl was nagging him to hurry and send proof.) Maybe it was a sign? Maybe he should take them? What could go wrong? He DID need them. 

George had slowly gotten out of the chair sitting at the island and was regretablt making his way into his hallway. Before he made it to his bathroom, he had paused. Why was he doing this? so many things should have made him stop. But he didn't . He turned into his bathroom. Facing the door and shut his eyes. With his eyes squeezed shut, he closed his eyes and locked the door. Even though he lived alone, he felt as if someone would barge in. He slowly opened his eyes and turned on the lights. He knew his recently gone migraine would be slowly creeping and edging back in, but if he grabbed all of his medications, then he'd be able to grabs his headache meds. If only he could turn around and face his honest to God worst fear. Himself. His body. His face. His scars. His... well... everything? Yeah. Everything. 

He was slowly running every pro and con of turning around. 

PROS:  
Karl would be happy  
He wouldn't have to lie to Karl more often  
He'd get his migraine meds, which he desperately needed  
Maybe he'd actually feel better if his chemicals were right? But what did he know

CONS:  
He'd have to face the mirror  
He'd have to look at himself and see the wreck that laid right before his eyes  
He'd have to see the ugly white and red lines that nested just above his knee and above his elbows  
He'd have to hear the voices that were already nagging while not yet having turned around

No.  
Karl was right. He truly did need them. Maybe Karl knew better than he did. clearly they already knew more about him than he'd like but maybe it WOULD help.  
He slowly turned his body toward his mirror and ran his hands over his face,.letting out a long puff of air from his lungs, he quickly opened his eyes before he could chicken out. He saw a glimpse of his bed head in the mirror and realized he had not combed it since his last shower... which had easily been... over 5 days ago?... oh

He grabbed his comb, quickly running hands through while not looking at the mirror but instead looking at his tiled flooring. the pounding in his ears were now very loud voices telling him many different truly disgusting, and horrible words. He regretted it. But yet here he was doing more than planned. He combed the rest of his hair while facing the mirror. Gratefull he didn't have many tangles. After he had finished fixing the mess of hair on his head he had realized the voices has stopped making his ears ring. He couldn't tell if it was better or worse but he didn't find it comforting in the slightest. george was on edge the entire time he rumagged through his cabinet, as if someone would walk in and curse at him until he was a bawling mess. While he knew it was very unreasonable, he couldn't help but feel on edge, waiting for something dramatic to happen to him. He shut his cabinet and looked at himself in the mirror. It was completeley silent for the first time in weeks and weeks. He didn't feel comfortable. He wished the ringing was there. Maybe the slight pulsing behind his eyes? something, ANYTHING would have been more comforting. Anything but silence to leave him in his thoughts again, staring into the eyes in the mirror. He swear he saw it wink at him. He opened and unlocked his door as fast as humanely possible while turning around to make sure nothing was behind him and bolted across the hall to his bedroom door. He walked inside and tossed the countless bottles and other containers of meds. He had given himself a pat on the back when he realized he truly didn't leave any behind and wouldn't have to walk back and look at the thing in the eyes again. 

He grabbed his phone out of his shorts pocket and check the time~ 

12:58 AM

oh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1:16 AM

George was currently on a call with ALL the feral boys and Bad. They were all just chilling debating on who and if someone was going to stream. George, Dream, and Sapnap had all said they weren't going to do anything on their own accounts but would join someone else's. Bad said he would but only way later on and only if people wanted him to. Karl and Quackity both wanted to and were currently debating on who would stream or who would stream first.  
~ 1:23 AM  
Karl had won. He would be streaming, and then possibly raiding quackity right after. George was more than tired but still wanted to hang with his friends even if it was on stream. Yet they still hadn't decided what exactly they were gonna do, all they had planned was Karl would be streaming. 

"okay okay what if instead of popping off on the server what if we did jackbox? it's been a bit since we've done one. Is everyone down?" dream finally decided to interject and propose his own idea. At this everyone seemed to agree, George had been quiet while everyone was bickering but when Dream started talking he seemed to awaken right up. Dream just seemed to have that affect on him, and yet even after his talk, he still didn't quite understand as much as he thought he did. He made a sound of agreement and started paying more attention. He had realized in his time of spacing out, Karl had already left vc and started to set up his stream. George then realized Dream and Bad had been trying to get his attention for quite a bit, 

" gogy gogy GOGY GOGY GOGY oh my god GEORGE! HELLO?!" Bad was getting a bit impatient "GEORGIE?" Dream said while wheezing and yelling into Georges ear. George finally responded after he let Dream calm down with his fit of giggles, with Quackity muttering something along the lines of " and this is why... dnf.... real...screaming" George couldn't tell what Q had said but brushed it off as Alex being Alex. 

" DREAMIE! what do you want? hahah" He couldn't help but feel wanted in those few moments. 

" I thought you spaced out on us or fell asleep, I don't feel like hearing you flirt with me in your sleep while on stream." Dream said those few words with conviction and truth, was that flirtation in there as well? either way George was probably bright red.

" Dream don't even, you're such a simp for old Gogmeister" Sapnap knew more than George did, and knew it would make the Floridian boy flustered and a stuttering, defying mess. 

" Sapnap... never ever call me that again..." George brushed of the simp comment as Sapnap being a big DNF shipper... wasn't news to anyone at this point.  
Everyone in call had burst out laughing at how serious George had sounded when saying that. George let out a sigh and just listened to Dream and Sapnap talk about their day in Florida, which to them was just another boring day. Just normal.  
Though george knew, if he could be there it'd be far from boring. To him at least, he hoped that when he could meet up, they'd all feel the same. Even if the back of his mind was telling him the complete opposite. Telling him they would find a way to get away without him and even make a way to leave him behind. Or maybe even just not letting him stay once they found more things out. But- but they all already almost knew everything... well... not everyone knows anything.  
George heard the ping of the discord notification that pulled him from his thoughts and read Karl's newest message " gimmie about 2 more minutes and we can gent into it! :]" George was excited, for the first time in awhile he was actually looking forward to being on stream even if it wasn't his.  
They had all read his message and Quackity had decided to join Karls vc 2 minutes early, of course it was to troll. And of course Bad told him it was a horrible idea. Quackity of course didn't listen. George brought up karl's stream in a new tab and watched Karls reaction for when Quackity did his " big exciting troll"... who knows.  
As soon as George pulled up the stream he heard the sound of Quackity holding back his fit of giggles, he could tell Dream was also watching Karls stream as he seemed to be trying not to laugh as well. George had some stupid friends. But what would he do without them...

" AWWOGA! AWOOGA! KARL MY BELOVED!! AWOOGA! HAHAHAHA" George wasn't surprised at Quackitys words, the man had been obsessed with sending " my beloved" memes to the groupchat for the past week. He watched as Karl went through the 7 stages of grief in one moment. Fear, Shock, Embarrasment, Anger, and literally everything else he was feeling was shown on his face. Quackity quickly rejoined the original vc as his rambunctious laugh rang through Georges headphones. George was smiling and shaking his head. Toninght was gonna be good. George didn't know if him taking his meds for one day back had helped, or if it was just the pure serotonin he got from hanging out with his closest friends but he already felt better than he had all day. 

Karl had rejoined the vc and told them they needed to find two more players, they had dm'd Jack, Skeppy, Ranboo, Foolish, Fundy and even Captain Puffy and no responses or they were already busy. Dream finally spoke up and suggested Tommy or Tubbo. Both solid choices but also pure chaos if put together. George had a slight hope only one or the other would be able to join. He didn't know how much loud laughter from the teens he could take tonight. 

Of course they both could join... why not? George was still hyped even if he knew he'd be leaving sooner rather than later. Karl had started up the game on stream, making sure he didn't share the code before everyone could join.  
George named himself Gogy, Karl was just karl ( Dream had told him it was terrible and he should change it, of course Karl didn't), Dream was Dreamie poo, Quackity was Quackmeister, Bad was Muffin, Tubbo was Toby, Tommy was Big T, and Sapnap was Sappy. With everyone joined and names finalized, the game had officially started. 

.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! It's your author Daphne :] I hope you all enjoyed it so far! Again this is a vent fic and does not mean to actually be abt Real-life Dream and George. I honestly wouldn't care if you talked abt this fic with cc's but be respectful and keep their boundaries in mind! Now with me saying that this is me projecting. I do not ship DreamNotFound in real life but I love their dynamic so why not use them? (I am also a simp so...) anyway, be respectful and we shouldn't have any problems. Feel free to discuss this fic on social media, I love seeing anything! whether it be theories or criticism I enjoy it all! Speaking of twt, MY TWITTER IS @/ DR3AMSCAPEDABS :]


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